Death of a Parent

Well, it's been a long time. I did want to write a few months ago but I couldn't remember which email address I had used to open this account and Blogger are so security concious that I thought I would have to start a new account. However, somehow I remembered the email address which was created for the sole use of this blog and so ... here I am.

Without any doubt whatsoever, this year has been the worst ever. My beloved Dad went into hospital in May after having an epileptic fit. He fought like crazy but he passed away at 11pm on Tuesday 25th August, two days before his 86th birthday. Even as I write this I still can't quite believe that Dad is dead. The only man in my life who was always there for me. Dead. I don't care that he was 85 - he was my Dad.

This has totally been my first experience with the death of a close family member as I didn't see my grandparents. Even though some people are probably saying how badly I am taking it, in my opinion I am doing an awful lot better than I had thought I would.

As the child of "older parents" I had often imagined how I would cope when one of them died. I had always thought that there was no way that I could attend the funeral. Not only did I attend it, I totally arranged it. And I went to see Dad .... twice. The first time was about half an hour after he died and the second time was the day before the funeral. I would never have thought I could do that. I am so glad that I did. It confirmed what I had been told/read - his body might have been present but Dad had obviously already left the building.

I totally believe that he is in heaven now. I suppose I have a bit of a childish image of his parents, brother and sister meeting him at The Pearly Gates and smothering him in love and hugs. I hope so. I hope he's up there now surrounded by family and friends but also longing to see Mum again.

I do feel a bit better these last few days. The grief can just hit me at anytime though. It can totally zap my mood into one of thorough despair and make me just want to give up, curl up into a ball and howl. I totally went through the five stages of grief - I'm not totally at "acceptance" even now. I had a whole five days where I barely got out of bed - this was partly due to the fact that I had constant migraines as well. I felt like topping myself. I've been a total hermit - I have just not felt like mixing. My fiance and I have had issues as he obviously wants me to get on with replanning the wedding - we had just started making arrangements literally 2 days before Dad was taken ill. But I don't feel as if I can leave Mum yet. She was always on the go with Dad - using their free bus passes to go all around. In the last 13 and a half weeks she has been out less than 8 times. But I hope and pray she will get stronger. 49 years they were married. She has burst into tears so many times when people have asked how she is doing - "I miss every hair on his head" is her reply. And I believe she does. What an amazing love.

I am still harbouring some guilt, which I know deep down is ridiculous but if I had insisted the doctor tried one more time to get the feeding tube down his throat - he had been in a coma for five weeks, or, if I hadn't prayed aloud that last day, after watching him have the most extreme fits throughout the night, "God, please let my Daddy die." And ... if only I had been with him when he died. I had left two hours and twenty minutes earlier.

I am a bit better the last few days - although I know it's going to be a long journey until I really learn to live through the pain. I know I was so incredibly lucky to have him as a father, he really was one in a billion.

Dad, I love you love you love you love you love you. You were the best father a girl could ask for. I promise to look after Mum. And I'll see you again one day. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We little knew that morning that God

Was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly,

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

You did not go alone;

For part of us went with you,

The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

Your love is still our guide;

And though we can not see you,

You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,

And nothing seems the same;

But as God calls us one by one,

The chain will link again.